Marge Keigher's Humorous stories page! Marge Keigher Humorous/Stories


A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor
ut her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for
2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned,
she shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded.
"I'll tell you though,
I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

 "  Noah's Story,   
If it were to take
place today...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all
the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people,
and two of every kind of living thing
on the planet.I am commanding you to
build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning,
He delivered the
specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with
fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain,
"Thundered the Deity.
"You'd better have the Ark completed,
or learn to swim for a very long time.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up
and it began to rain.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in
his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord,
"where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!"
begged Noah. "I did my best.
But there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit
for the Ark construction project,
but your plans didn't meet code.
So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was
violating zoning code by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood
for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
I had to convince the
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service
that I need the wood to save the owls.
But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went
out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone picked up
a saw or hammer.
Now we have sixteen carpenters
going on the boat,
but still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals,
and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only
two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed,
the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filling out
an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
of a Supreme Being."

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a
map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint from the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes
by leaving the country.
And I just got a notice from the state about
owing them some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for at least another five years."

Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.
The sun began to shine.
A rainbow arched
across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," the Lord said sadly,
"the government already has..."

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