It's only fair, since they are minors and not my
responsibility, that the government (who is taxing
me more to care for these waifs) knows something about
them and what to expect over the next year. You may
apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
ask she! I suggest you put her to work in your office
where she can answer people's questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seem to hamper her knowledge of any other subject
you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that
little expense. While you mull that over, keep in
mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle
or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind
her of the virtues of abstinence, and in face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved, that you will be
handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle
on the problem.

Patrick is 14, I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little close together for normal
people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if
you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
PT!ing houses. In the future would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare: His
hair is purple, Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? learn to deal with it. You'll
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days
of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take
care of filing you phone number with the Vice
Principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone
and it will much more peaceful when he lives at your
home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with
girls, explosives, inflammables, vehicles,
or telephones, (I'm sure that you will find telephone
a source of unimaginable amusement. and be sure to
lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one
is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad
trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandles, and hair that looks Tiny Tim. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is
expensive so the school dropped it. Good news!
you can buy it yourself for half the deduction that
you are denying!

It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have raised this one to a new
level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people
under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned
out of valley girls/boys in the odd reggae/yuppie/
political double speak. I don't. The school sends
her to a speech pathologist that has rolled her R's It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one
of her ears pierced four more times.

There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her
room and I think it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that
you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with
Kristen's college but then I am free! if you take the
two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395
in additional tax, and made a down payment on a airplane.

Peace, love and respect - Lanie

Known to his friends as Brown_n-Serve, Fresh was a avid
gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies
in recent years. Dozens of celebritities turned out
including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies and Skippy.

The Grave side was piled high with flours as longtime
friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh
as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with many turnovers.He was not
concidered a very smart cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes, conned by those
who buttered him up. still, even as a crusty old
man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have
two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3;50 for about 20 minutes.

After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her
about it. She said, While in town I found a little foil
package on the sidewalk and took it home.

The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your
organ to prevent disease,' and you know I think it work...
I haven't had a cold all winter !"