A   A Little Bit Of English Wit

  The Londoner 

A man in London walks into a bar for the first time. He orders
three pints of beer and sits in the back room of the bar,
drinking a sip out of each one of the pints in turn.

When he finishes the three pints he heads back up to the bar
and orders three more pints.

The bartender tells the man that the beer would be fresher
if he ordered one pint at a time.

The man replies, "Well, you see, sir, I have two brothers.
One is in America, one is in Australia, and I am the only
one still here, in London. As we all left to go our separate
ways we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the nice
days that we had and the times we drank together."

The bartender nods approvingly and before long the man becomes
a regular at that bar, always drinking in the same manner: three
One day in late February the man comes into the bar and orders
only two pints. The bartender and the other regulars notice the
missing pint and speculating on its significance, become silent.

When the man returns for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to interrupt you in your time of sorrow, but since
you are such a faithful customer, I feel that I should offer my

The man looks momentarily confused then says,
"Oh no, that's not it, there's no cause for grief.
It's just me, I've given' up drinking

   Original message   

Attached is some correspondence which actually
occurred between aLondon hotel's staff and one
of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted
this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars
of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own
bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish.
They are in my way.

Thank you,

W. Herman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid.
She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on
your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars
I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.

Kelly, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kellyy did not tell you about my note
to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under
my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the
hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little
Camays which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving,
brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

W. Herman

Dear Mr. Herman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid
left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by
the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine
cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday. Please, let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,


Dear Mr. Herman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Karlson, informed me
this A.M. that you called him last evening and
said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room.
I hope you will accept my apologies for any past
inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.

Dear Miss Hoffman,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since
I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't
get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called
Mr. Karlson last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Karlson if he could do anything
about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought
I was a new check-in today, since she left another
3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?

W. Herman

Dear Mr. Herman,

Your maid, Molly, has been instructed to stop
delivering soap to your room and remove the
extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,

Helen Hoffman,
Dear Mr. Karlson,

My bath-size Dial is missing.
Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial.
I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.

W. Herman

Dear Mr. Herman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Helen Hoffman,
of your soap problem. I cannot understand why
there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.

Michael J. Karlson
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Hoffmann,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.
I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.
All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.

W. Herman

Dear Mr. Herman,

You complained of too much soap in your room
so I had them removed. Then you complained to
Mr. Karlson that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays
which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know any
thing about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Molly, did< not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Helen Hoffman

Dear Mrs. Hoffman,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on
my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet:
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

On Kleenex dispenser:
11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On bedroom dresser:
1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in
2 stacks of 4.

Inside medicine cabinet:
14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In shower soap dish:
6 Camay, very moist.

On northeast corner of tub:
1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On northwest corner of tub:
6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Molly when she services my room to
make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.

Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is
not in use and will make an excellent spot for
future soap deliveries. One more item,
I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order
to avoid further misunderstandings.

W. Herman

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