A   A Little Bit Of English Wit


(As explained to a foreign visitor)

You have two sides one out in the Field and one in.

Each man thats in the side that's that's in goes out and when he's
out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side
thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs

Thats the end of the game.



The horse and mare live 30 years
And do not know of Wines and Beer
The goats and sheep at 20 die
And never taste Scotch or Rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
At 15 life is almost done
Without the aid of Rum or Gin
The modest, sober, bone dry hen
Lays eggs for years and dies at 10
But Sinful Ginful, Rum-soaked Man
Survive till 3-score and ten
And some of us - the mighty few
Stay pickled till we're 92!

The following is an ad placed in a English
newspaper which appeared four days in a row
hopelessly trying to correct the first days ad.


For sale: Mr.Higginbottom has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 0161-555-7777 after 7pm. and ask for Mrs Ramsbottom,
who live with him cheap.

We regret having erred in Mr. Higginbottom' ad yesterday. It should have reads
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone: 0161-555-7777 and ask for Mrs Ramsbottom,
who live with him after 7pm.

Mr. Higginbottom has informed us that received
several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday.

The ad stand corrected as follows:

"For sale
Mr. Higginbottom has one sewing machine for sale,
Cheap, Phone: 0161-555-7777 after 7pm.
and ask for Mrs Ramsbottom who loves with him.

I Mr. Higginbottom have no sewing machine for sale.
I smash it. Don't call 0161-55-7777 as yesterday
I had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying
on with Mrs Ramsbottom. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper but now she's quit!

On A British Golf Course

A golfer, and his golfing buddies were playing
a big round of golf On one of Englands major Golf courses.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot
putt to win the round,and claim the prize of the game.

As he was lining up his putt,
a funeral procession
started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter,
took his hat off,
placed it over his chest,
and began to wait
for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter
and returned to line up his putt.

One of his buddies said,
"That was the most touching thing
I have ever seen"

"I can't believe you stopped playing,
possibly losing your concentration.
to pay your respects."

Well "Said the golfer,"

"We were married for 25 year"


Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun fading into night?
You better slow down don't dance so fast
time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,
when you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply
When day is done, do you lie in your bed with the
next hundred chores running though your head?
You better slow down don't dance so fast
time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die,
because you never had time to call and say "hi"?
Your better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

Church Bulletin For The Week

1/ Don't let worry kill you. let the Church help you.

2/ Thursday night Potluck supper. Prayers and medication to follow.

3/ For those have children and don't know it,we have a
nursery downstairs

4/ This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends

5/ Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early

6/ This being Easter Sunday, we will be ask
Mr. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar.

7/ Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken up to defray
the cost of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
        new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

8/ The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They made be seen in the church basement.

9/ at the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice

Anyone having any Questions about the above notices.
Please direct them to Pastor Jones who will be away for
the next two weeks


A local club was oranizing a baseball team.
They could only muster up eight players,
and were hard to find a ninth.

In desperation they called on a new member,
a very reserve Englishman who had just
emigrated from London and moved into the
neighborhood to join them.

During the fist game, the Englishman
came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.

The team stood there, dumfounded!
Unfortunately, so did the Englishman.
"Run" his teammates cried.
"For Pet's sake run!"

The Brit turned and stared at then icily.
"I jolly well shan't run, he replied.
"I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps
another ball.

{Thanks to TxWanderer
for suppling this to me}

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